No Dolphin safe from the Tuna

Dancing with the Stars finalist Jason Taylor, who also happens to have made six Pro Bowls as a Miami Dolphin, got his wish Sunday when he was traded to the Washington Redskins for a second-round pick in 2009 and a sixth-rounder in 2010.

The trade came only hours after two Redskins defensive ends, starter Philip Daniels and local product Alex Buzbee, were felled by season-ending injuries in the morning and afternoon practices respectively.

Fans and media alike had criticized the ’Skins for failing to address the defensive line adequately in the offseason. The team added former Viking Erasmus James, who will miss several more weeks as he continues to rehab a knee injury from last season, and Rob Jackson, a rookie defensive end from Kansas State. But a lack of depth across the line has plagued the team in recent years, and on Sunday afternoon it looked like they would suffer the same fate this year.

That was before Redskins V.P. of Football Operations and de facto G.M. (and Dan Snyder puppet) Vinny Cerrato pulled off a coup. Now, I’ve blasted Cerrato in the past for poor personnel moves. But to pull off a deal like this for a player of Jason Taylor’s caliber is unheard of. The ‘Skins nabbed Taylor at the price than Miami was asking all summer, but they did it from a point of disadvantage where Miami knew they needed a defensive end and should have, by all rights, jacked up their asking price. But Dolphins execs Bill Parcells and Jeff Ireland were apparently eager to unload Taylor after a contentious offseason.

In the end, it will take some time to decide who wins in this trade. If Taylor plays up to his historical standard—and plays out his contract as he has promised Cerrato—the Redskins have a chance at coming out on top.

But if he retires at the end of this season, as he has hinted he might, then I’m probably going to call for Cerrato’s head on a platter, as I have pretty much since he was hired in 1999. Because if the team has mortgaged its future by hemorrhaging cash and shipping off draft picks for a player who’s past his prime and won’t contribute more than one lackluster season, this trade will have proved that he and The Danny have learned nothing from their previous failures together (Bruce Smith, Deion Sanders, Jeff George, Trung Canidate, Warrick Holdman, Adam Arculeta, Brandon Lloyd…)

I feel like Tom Petty just kicked me in the nuts

Generally I am not a fan of Apple products. I don’t like their computers because they work too much like a “black box.” I think the iPhone is an overpriced piece of crap. And for the first few generations of iPod, they would break as soon as your warranty ran out.

I fell victim to the latter scam a couple of years ago. Within weeks after the manufacturer’s warranty expired, my 4th generation iPod quit working completely, and I was without an MP3 player for a long time because I couldn’t afford a replacement. I didn’t plan on ever buying another iPod because the one I’d had reaffirmed my belief that Steve Jobs builds shit. In 2006 though, after hearing that the performance and durability had been greatly improved in the new generation, I caved and bought one. I liked the interface more than any of the rival MP3 players I had checked out, and I was already familiar with iTunes after continuing to use it to play music on my PC. To my surprise, it has since served me well.

One thing about it really chaps my ass, though, and that’s the iTunes store. Now, it’s nice that they release free singles every so often, and it’s cool to be able to buy a single song with a couple of clicks and seamlessly integrate it with my iPod, especially when I don’t want to buy the full album. I am a bit of a traditionalist though, and if I’m going to buy a full album, I’d like to actually be able to hold it in my hands. Buying a CD means I have a hard copy backup that will never go away no matter how catastrophic a computer crash I have. I also feel like I’m getting more for my money, because it’s as cheap as—or even cheaper than—buying the digital album, and I have something to hold in my hand afterwards. And no matter what bitrate you import your music files at, the sound quality of the original will always be a little better on CD than .mp3, .aac, .m4a, or whatever “Apple Lossless” format you import to. Not a big deal to the casual listener, but noticeable to the discerning ear.

So imagine my dismay in learning after I bought the new Mudcrutch album that there was a bonus track available, if you bought the album through iTunes, that you could not buy individually. Not only is the track unavailable in its purest format, but I also can’t buy that track by itself, despite already having paid for the whole album already. My options are to either purchase a digital copy of the whole album, or obtain the song by an illegal download or copy from someone who did buy the album online. I’m not big on illegal downloads, because I am a pretty paranoid guy and I couldn’t do so with a clear conscience. And I don’t know anybody who can make an untraceable copy of the song. So there is a Mudcrutch song I probably will never hear.

I could probably get over that if this wasn’t a recurring theme. Offhand, I can think of five albums with which I’ve had this very problem, and another—Coldplay’s Viva la Vida—that I haven’t bought yet because I’m torn as to which medium I should purchase it on. I don’t fault iTunes, though—if I were in Apple’s position (the company, not Chris Martin’s hideous daughter), I’d probably do the same thing. They're essentially saying, “If you want to hear an extra track that you can’t find anywhere else, buy the album from us.” That’s just smart business. But by entering into these agreements with Apple, the artists are depriving some of their fans of music.

It’s never incensed me before quite like this instance, but Tom Petty is a guy who has openly criticized the music industry for driving up CD prices, taking advantage of consumers with unfair marketing tactics, and so on. But on this record, where he returned to his pre-Heartbreakers roots, to a time when the music industry wasn't a hypercommercial clusterfuck, that’s exactly what he’s done: taken advantage of me.

I've loved Tom's music my whole life, and I always will. But this just seems a curious turn from a guy who has always been a champion of the fans, and I'm not sure how to reconcile it.

Jesse Helms finally dead

Former North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms died this morning, causing blacks, gays, and most other normal human beings to rejoice. For years, he and Strom Thurmond constituted the last bastion of blind racism, white supremacy and intolerance in the U.S. senate.

In his 30+ years in politics, Helms got segregationists elected to public office, made racist campaign ads, called black Americans communists and perverts, denounced AIDS sufferers as sodomizing degenerates, and vowed to make Afrcan-American Senator Carol Moseley-Braun cry by whistling Dixie. In short, the dude was a douchebag.

I don't think of myself as an unsympathetic guy, but I can't bring myself to feel anything but relief now that this sonofabitch is dead. People like him set American politics back years. I understand the conservative opinion as one of traditionalism, but this is just another example of someone who took that idea way too far and hindered the development of our country.

The only real travesty is that his death with be forever associated with Independence Day, when he fought the length of his career to deny independence to so many Americans based on the color of their skin or their sexual preference. He died on the anniversary of the deaths of such great Americans as Thomas Jefferson, James Monroe, Charles Kuralt, Hank Stramm and Bob Ross.

Screw it. I'm going to drink beer and light shit on fire, because that's what this day is all about.

Oh, and if you weren't feeling patriotic enough already, Joey Chestnut beat Kobayashi in the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest for the second year in a row.

Mediate "Rocs" PTI

Rocco Mediate was on Pardon the Interruption this afternoon to talk about the U.S. Open playoff against Tiger Woods Monday, which Woods won in dramatic fashion. I've got to say Mediate is one of the best sports interviews I've seen in a long time. He praised Tiger's gutty play and epic finish and even though he was obviously outclassed in the tourney, he didn't come off as a startstruck nobody who was just happy to be on the same course as a superstar. Not only was he well-spoken and funny, but he seemed genuinely happy to have played 91 holes of competitive golf despite the loss.

Not to say I don't like Tiger--how can you not?--but count me among Roc's fans after his classy performance during and after the Open.

Also, in a later segment, Mike Wilbon implored Tony Kornheiser (who had just said he didn't care about Euro 2008) to "Be a man; watch soccer." Much love to Wilbon for showing respect to the Beautiful Game, which is sadly overlooked in America because of people like TK.

"Javon Walker was asking for it"

Oakland Raiders wide receiver Javon Walker was brutally beaten, robbed, and left unconscious in a Las Vegas street early Monday morning after a night of partying. After being treated for serious injuries, including facial fractures, he is likely to be released from the hospital today. This looks like just the latest in a line of violence against pro athletes who are targeted for their money.

I would hope people would have a little more sympathy for someone who was just assaulted, but somehow they seem to believe that Walker was asking to be beaten and robbed.

These guys are supposed to live in seclusion because they're wealthy? I think a lot of this sentiment comes from people who are jealous of that wealth. "If I was rich, I wouldn't 'make it rain' in the club," they preach. But that's hard to say without ever having been in a position where that was a reality. I'm willing to bet that anybody with that kind of disposable income would choose to enjoy it by indulging in some of life's frivolities. For some, that's houses and cars, and for others, it's expensive nights out on the town.

While it may be a good idea for these high-profile athletes to take extra precautions (hiring bodyguards, etc.), there's no reason to insinuate that they're bringing it on themselves. There's no indication that Walker was engaging in any questionable behavior other than living a life of excess like any celebrity.

I'll reconsider my position if it comes out that this is the result of a confrontation earlier in the night, but consider that this is the same guy who was in the limo with Darrent Williams when he was shot and killed in Denver last January. I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt, though, believing that he would avoid those situations as a result.

Internet punks beware: piss me off and I'll blog all over you

As a frequent user of Teh Interwebz, I do my best to adhere to certain principles of politeness in my communication with others over computers, especially in "social" settings, such as message boards. It's basic internet etiquette, really: don't type in all capital letters, don't troll message boards, proofread to avoid confusion, don't personally attack other posters, etc. In my experience, most people do a pretty good job of sticking to those unspoken rules. Every now and then, someone comes along who forgets, or simply doesn't know the rules, and that's fine, as long as they change their ways once they've been informed. No harm, no foul.

What really gets my goat, though, are the self-righteous turds who are sticklers for "the rules" until someone says something they vehemently disagree with, at which point all etiquette goes out the window. Consider the following anecdote.

At a sports-related message board I frequent, a user started a thread for those fans who live outside the main market of what they consider to be their "home" team (i.e. people who are New York Yankees fans despite not living in New York). My favorite pro sports franchise is the Washington Redskins. Now, I split my time between Sterling, VA (a suburb of Washington, DC) and Salem, VA (where I go to college), so I am not outside the DC market. But I do encounter an oddly high concentration of Atlanta Falcons fans in the area, which doesn't make sense until you find out that they're also die-hard Virginia Tech fans, and started following the Falcons after they drafted Michael Vick in 2001. Salem's location in Southwest Virginia means it's prime VaTech country.

In my experience, Tech fans are insufferable. I mean, I'm friends with a few, but a surprisingly large number of them are obnoxious drunks who care about nothing other than proving how Virginia Tech's athletics program is the best thing that ever existed (despite having never won a national championship in any sport). All they do is belittle fans of less athletically successful teams (such as my UVA Cavaliers) and make it unsafe to drive on I-81 on Saturday evenings in the fall, when they drive home from the game so drunk that anything in between the rumble strips is "their lane."

Anyway, I mentioned something to the effect that I find many Tech fans inexcusably blind in their support of a program which continues to recruit players with disciplinary problems, despite the long history of hooligans and ne'er-do-wells associated with the school's sports teams--in particular football. And that's without the Vick brothers entering consideration, even though the younger showed his true colors again this week.

I posted my feelings in the aforementioned thread because I felt they were at least a little relevant. Nobody had a problem, save one self-righteous twat Virginia Tech student who came out of the woodwork with the following:

Thats probably one of the most ignorant statements I have ever seen.Thugs and hooligans? The Vicks are gone and Ore got kicked off the team for his off the field issues. You have no clue what you're talking about. The Blacksburg cops have consistantly harrassed VT players for
minor issues, they're not ****ing thugs, you're just an idiot.Thats a typical bull**** UVA fan excuse when you can't keep up with Tech "Yeah well at least OUR players aren't thugs...look at Vick!!!!"People supported Vick because of what he did for the program but there are tons of diehard Redskins fans in Southwest Va.Don't post this garbage about my school and its fans.

I probably would have let him slide if he hadn't been the same punkass who, two days earlier, was busy telling people not to attempt to circumvent the profanity filter (i.e. writing "f*ck") because "it's against the rules." Never mind that as soon as he gets bent out of shape he'll fly off the handle and personally attack me for my well-formed opinion, derailing an erstwhile lively thread and generally just being a bitch. Not only did he shoot back a pathetic, sissy-boy argument, he fulfilled his reputation as a buzz-killing thread hijacker. Not to mention he actively stereotypes me--an act which he had just finished declaring as deplorable.

You're on notice, "DarrellsMyHero28." Your hypocritical douchebaggery will not be tolerated.

America's nukes controlled by... Sony?

As you may have heard, yesterday the U.S. Department of Energy unveiled "Roadrunner," IBM's new supercomputer that is supposed to be the most powerful in the world by a wide margin. It was developed to perform calculations simulating, among other things, nuclear blasts. The idea is to test the aging supply of nuclear warheads without having to actually detonate them, which in general sounds like an excellent idea.

What you probably didn't hear is IBM VP David Turek's description of it as basically "a very souped-up PlayStation 3."

What?

"We took the basic chip design [of a PlayStation] and advanced its capability," Turek said.

So now the only thing standing between us and a nuclear winter is an overpriced game console that occasionally decides to cease all function. One the bright side, this development does give me hope that I can solder my Xbox to my laptop and improve my stock portfolio.

Total Football totally dominates

Edwin van der Sar kept a clean sheet as the Dutch stunned defending world champs Italy 3-0, just the second time the Netherlands have ever defeated Italy, and the first time since 1978.

Italy hadn't allowed an opponent to score 3 goals since August 2007 in a friendly against Hungary. In the last meeting between the two teams in 2005, Italy prevailed 3-1 in Amsterdam. I don't think anybody would have predicted the Dutch to score 3 goals against--let alone beat--Italy, who were favored by many to win the tournament at its start. It's especially surprising given that throughout its international soccer history, Italy has a reputation as a defensive juggernaut whose strategy is to score a goal and then construct a 30-foot stone wall at the midfield line to prevent opposing players from approaching the goal, resulting in some of the most boring 1-0 games you'd ever hope to see. Or sleep through the second half of.

Nevertheless, Ruud van Nistelrooy opened the scoring in the 26th minute on a controversial goal (which, upon review, was declared legitimate by everybody who knows what they're talking about--i.e. not Julie Foudy), and the Orange Crush never looked back.

Van der Sar looked like Superman as he made several world-class saves that allowed the Dutch side to keep their momentum, the most spectacular of which began the couterattack which resulted in the deal-sealing goal in the 79th.

It was obvious that Italy missed their injured captain, pretty-boy central defender Fabio Cannavaro. Manager Roberto Donadoni said before the match that there would be no drop off in quality of play in Cannavaro's absence, and fill-in Andrea Barzagli promptly made a liar of him, deciding to pay homage to host nation Switzerland by anchoring a defense that, like the country's signature cheese, stank and was full of holes. The back line allowed 3 goals for the first time ever in a Euro Championship.

There's your goals, Foudy. Feel free to shut your horse-toothed mouth.

Why Julie Foudy is ruining sports

Euro 2008 is in full swing, and as a former high school soccer benchwarmer and consequent expert on the sport, I am glued to ESPN2 every afternoon. To a greater extent, though, I am also a connoisseur of sports commentary. Having made the transition from watching soccer in a uniform on the bench to my underwear on the couch with a beer and a sandwich, I see a wide spectrum of quality in commentary ranging from exemplary (Derek Rae and Adrian Healey's Champions League coverage) to piss-poor (any NFL broadcast not including Jim Nantz and Phil Simms).

I'm past the age where summer means lazy days in the sun, but I still look forward to it for one reason: I get to watch soccer. Living in America, it's hard to find soccer on TV, and when I do it's usually MLS (which I'm sad to say is nowhere near as entertaining as the prestigious European leagues). But once the weather gets warm, that means it's Champions League time--the one time of the year when there's quality soccer to be seen without paying exorbitant prices for obscure satellite TV packages. And in even-numbered years there's international soccer to be seen, be it the Euro Championships or World Cup. Not only does the sport satisfy my appetite for the "beautiful game" which continues to grow even though I no longer play competitively, but it generally offers some respite from the in-your-face, hyper-commercial American sports arena. Subtlety reigns supreme in soccer, and good commentators (specifically those from Europe, where subtlety is still appreciated) tend to let the game speak for itself. I admire that respect for the game. It's refreshing, especially in the middle of the NBA finals where Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy spent more time last night wisecraking and ballbreaking than actually commenting on the game. The focus should be on the game. The voices I hear should involve me in the game, not distract me from it.

That's why I hate Julie Foudy.

Foudy is a poor commentator who falls back on her underdeveloped sense of humor to fill her air time. When paired with real, game-focused commentators like Andy Gray it makes for uncomfortable moments--and poor coverage of the game. Rather than watching Julie Foudy and her distracting facial moles tell stupid jokes about France not being able to score any goals, I find myself losing interest and turning away from the coverage in favor of late-90's sitcom reruns on TBS, leaving me wishing someone would Just Shoot Me instead.

It's not all Julie Foudy's fault, though. She was one of the best female soccer players in U.S. history, and she does deserve some respect for that. But the American media have embarked on a crusade to take all focus away from news stories themselves, and put it instead on "highly qualified" pundits whose experience in their respective fields has somehow earned them credentials to explain to us why Politician X is and unfit leader, or why Celebrity Y has gone of the deep end, or why Iggy and the Stooges don't have any of the 100 greatest guitar songs of all time. (Seriously? "Search and Destroy" will melt your face. And blow out your speakers. Whoops.)

Anyway, Julie Foudy managed to get a job behind the commentator's desk which she is in no way qualified for. She's one of the more recent in a long line of former sports stars who networks hire in order to attract viewers. But for those of us who were already planning to watch, it's discouraging and annoying. And that's saying something, because not many people in this world are so annoying that rather than listen to them, I would watch a sitcom starring David Spade.

Get Hooked

This is not my first attempt at a blog. I started strong on the last few, but my effort (or interest) always petered out and I ended up closing them down when I got frustrated because I couldn't reproduce the edge and wit that originally drew me to to blogging world. This time around, though, I've resolved firmly to see this thing through, whether or not anyone reads me.

Each day, I'll talk about something that reaches out from the media-dominated abyss of our 21st century existence and "hooks" me, catches my interest for some reason or another. It'll usually be something to do with sports, music, movies or news, but everything is fair game. I embrace inspiration from wherever it comes, even if it is the E! True Hollywood story of Hulk Hogan.

So, to paraphrase John Popper of Blues Traveler, hopefully The Hook will bring you back.